Thursday, May 19, 2011
High in the sky my tears still fall
I am high in the sky, winging my way home on an airplane after a week of supervised relaxation orchestrated with love by my siblings and nieces. As they’ve provided door-to-door transportation, I took this opportunity to get away from the home I shared with my mother, who died three weeks ago.
This loss has always been my deepest, darkest fear. Pain, confusion, sadness, and hysteria: all of the above and more as I try to sort out the emptiness that has encapsulated me. For two weeks I stared at her bed and shrieked endlessly. I’ve ranted on twitter until I was sure I would lose all of my followers. I’ve listened to good intentioned friends and family telling me to redecorate, get a roommate, don’t get a roommate, sell the house, don’t sell the house, talk about it, don't talk about it. I am returning to my job next week but I didn’t tell them that she died. I move in a trance, with robotic motions. I am a zombie who doesn’t want to eat. Sleep is scary, as I hear her calling me in the night. I call back but she doesn’t answer.
I was born to replace a loving family that were murdered by homicidal sociopaths. My life has been all about that even when I didn’t think it was. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore from the push/pull of the shadow life that has haunted me since childhood. I surrendered to that fate and accepted my responsibility with no regard for my future.
My future is now here and I have no plans for it. One of my Aussie cousins said to me on the day after she died, “Opportunities will present.” I want to believe that but I don’t believe in anything right now.
Someone has a new book out decrying the ways people hype up remembrance of the holocaust. Look - to me, it doesn’t matter how we remember it, as long as we remember that the victims weren’t just the murdered in World War II and those who survived. The second generation, kids born to the survivors are every much the victims. And then there is the third generation, which I chose not to produce because I simply did not have the faith. The fourth, fifth, and generations into infinity will be impacted. Just as the Jewish people always have. And on and on.
I have to go for now, as the “fasten your seat belt” sign just came on. The plane is descending and I am coming back to Earth for one more try at this game called Life.